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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 11, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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for the first time, i wasn't telling one of my "hit" jokes. - [laughs] - ♪ if i can do it, anyone can ♪ - ha ha. good at bizness. >> from comedy central ealz world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. my guest, my guest on tonight's
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program judge andrew napolitano. he's going to come on. we're going to talk about lincoln, hot or not? [laughter] i, of course, say hot. i love a good beard. let me tell you this: first we're going to turn to crimea. as you know crimea is a region. [ laughter ] in the southeastern part of ukraine that juts out to the black sea and is well known for its charges of its light brigades. [ laughter ] who against all odds don't actually win. you pretty much -- let me tell you something. you want to bet the odds on the light brigade because they go down pretty hard. nobody? tennyson, nobody? all right. americans know nothing about the
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crimea beyond what was assigned to them in that one english class in eighth grade. >> i think crimea is lost. >> i don't think they'll put owl the there. >> crimea is effectively gone. >> is it lost? >> i'm afraid so. >> you think crimea is gone? >> i do. >> jon: where is crimea? it's all gone! it's gone. crimea. oh, crimea. we hardly knew ye. [ laughter ] seriously, we knew nothing about ye. [ laughter ] because ye are not really a part of our strategic or fossil fuel type interests. [ laughter ] so you may be wondering if we don't know anything about ye -- larry [laughter] -- why are such serious people in america so seriously sad about this crimea development? is it because of how deeply this country believes in democracy or free peoples or maybe.
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>> growing claims that president obama and the united states look weak as russian president putin flexes his muscles in the ukraine. we have created an image around the world not just for the russians of weakness. >> putin sometimes makes his move when he per seefs an american president to be weak. >> jon: we care about crimea and the crimeans because russia taking it over makes us look weak. as you know we have a foreign policy that is focused primarily on compare active penis -- compareative penis size. if putin is going to add crimea to the tip of russia's (bleep) look out moldavia we're coming for you. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]
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i don't know what the side to side movement was. [ laughter ] i guess the question is: what happens to the rest of ukraine? >> ukrainian soldiers and sailors still loyal to kiev have been level in limbo. last week one warship crew even attached mattresses to their s. res. toll repel russian soldiers. d they are vessels to repel russian soldiers. [ laughter ] >> jon: i am not a military general. [ laughter ] i am not a strategic defense planner. [ laughter ] a historian of great military strategies, but i can tell you this: i don't believe you will defeat russia with a nap-based defense system.
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[ laughter ] i'll tell you what we could use now. some good analysis about what vladmir putin might do next tnches putin's actions really scrutinized by people including image and movement analyst karen bradley. >> assist i -- he is a very stressed person in this video. he's looking away, not connected with the commander at all. very much involved with his own thoughts and feelingings right now. >> jon: body language you are trying to figure out body language from lady godiva over here. body lange -- language is what you are looking for? what do you have? >> putin is not giving anything away. it will be his terms. he is determined to win. >> jon: he is playing it close to the vest. guess what? he doesn't even own a (bleep) vest. he walks around make naked halfe time. thank god we have the best intelligence apparatus in the world and even though it's
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mostly been used on us it could turn and use the highest tech algorithms, the most intrusive spy capabilities the world can muster that will give us good analysis. >> pentagon officials tell us they've done body language studies on putin. >> joe: o my god -- >> jon: oh, my god. what is with the body language thing? [laughter] it would be good information if you were on a date with him trying to see if he is interested in you or not. he keeps touching his hair i think that means he wants to reconstitute the soviet union. [ laughter ] who aim to question the methodology of the pentagon. they clearly know more than us. surprise us. what did you find out? >> the pentagon wouldn't say what they concluded about putin's body language. [ laughter ] >> jon: yeah, you wouldn't
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want to give away his tell. he touched his nose that means he's going to ukraine. this guy is shirtless horseback riding. rubbing a tiger, cition a random kid's belly. he is the body language equivalent of tweeting in all caps and the message is i'm a nut bird. i think i know what is motivating putin. not sure if you caught jason jones' coverage in russia he sat down with a woman that is an amateur daredevil. shed is what makes russians take crazy risks. take a listen. >> we have a famous saying we live by "don't be a pussy." >> jon: there you have it. [ laughter ] here is what happened the vladmir putin's ukrainian puppet regime was roafer thrown. he lost control of a neighboring nation and he doesn't want to look like a pussy. he didn't have to invade crimea
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight fox news' senior judicial analyst recently did a segment about him after he made president's day talks there
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about our 16th president. >> i am a contairn on abraham lincoln and bemoan the fact that he has been myth i iologized. at the time he was president slavery of dying a natural death. it was dying in england and southern slave owners were on the cusp of it dying here. instead of allowing it to die or even purchasing the slave and freeing them which would have cost less money than the civil war cost, lincoln set about on the most murder russ war in american history. >> jon: we're going to talk about that. please welcome back to the program judge andrew napolitano. come and sit. come and sit. [cheers and applause] now, judge, no sit down. [cheers and applause] judge, i'm going tell you something. let mel tell you something.
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i know i have great affection for you. >> feeling is mutual jonny. >> jon: you are a warm hearted man, i enjoy you very much. this took me aback. >> what took you back, my weight loss? >> jon: first of all you do look very good. how much weight duz lose? >> 75 pounds. >> jon: unbelievable. >> jenny craig. >> jon: terrific. what you said about -- you are an he will gent defender of -- he eloquent defender of liberty, of freedom. >> thank you. >> jon: to listen to your comments about slavery seems the antithesis you seem to discuss it in cool rational terms rather than the terms about liberty. >> my discussion was lincoln. my done dem nation of slavery is second to none. you've heard my book dred scott. >> jon: i've read it twice. >> it is the standard libertarian assault on slavery which was the more horrific,
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unnatural, amoral institution in the history of world. >> jon: let me ask you this: if it is the amoral. >> horrific. >> jon: unnatural this idea that oh, it will just die a natural death seems to me to be the antithesis of someone who praises the founders for standing up to what you have called the tyranny of england. >> correct. there's not one thing on the decoration of pinned pence that rises to the level of slavery. >> the decoration of independence -- deck declaration of independence was written by slave owners. it's the moral dlem maximum those who wrote it owned slaves. >> jon: how do you square the circumstance snl praising the revolutionary founders going to war with lincoln not going to war but standing back for the hope that this institution will
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die a death. if the -- >> if the slaves had gone to war against their slave owners and i had been alive, i would have been with them. i would have helped finance, fund and lead the revolt. >> jon: are you familiar with slavery? >> i'm very familiar with it. [ laughter ] >> jon: that is not the option. how is it -- >> actually actually -- >> jon: wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. >> no, no new york, no, no. lincoln tried to arm the slaves. >> jon: bear with me. you would support a slave are bellon as being just. >> -- rebellion as being just -- >> absolutely. >> jon: but not the federal government. if there's a use of federal power that would be justified would it not be to end the more horrific abhorrent practice in the history of mankind? >> after it had tried everything else like abolishing the fugitive slave act which lincoln enforced and his judges enforced and federal marshals enforced
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until the civil war was over and link job was nearly dead. >> jon: england outlawed slavery in 1833. >> 1833. >> jon: how much longer did people have to wait for it to die a natural death. >> brazil outloud it. >> jon: in 1881. >> the northern states ow lawed it on it was on its way out. and lincoln -- >> jon: why is the onus not on lincoln not the southern states? they seceded? lynchon did not secede. they seceded from the union be took office as a matter of fact. >> the leaders of the southern states perpetuated this immoral system. i have no praise for them whatsoever but lincoln could have undone it without spending $6.6 billion and causing the death of 78 5,000 human beings. >> jon: how? how many deaths of human beings were caused by the american slave trade. in probably a million and a
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half. >> jon: try five million or more. nobody counted. whatever the number is the slave trade was to be condemned it was over in lincoln's infancy. it was outlawed in 1808 by the terms of constitution. >> jon: no, no, no. >> lincoln's job is to stop the slave trade in the u.s. which he could have done financially and legally and he didn't. look if a slave escaped from south carolina to massachusetts, the burden was on massachusetts authorities and massachusetts individuals at their own expense to return that slave. >> jon: that is correct. that was one of grievances that the south -- >> lincoln put people in jail who refused to do that. he could have stopped enforcing. squeezed the south financially and bought slaves their. >> jon: buying slaves freedom, i think is not as true as you might believe. he tried to do it in the border states. he offered them money for their slaves. in the border states. the ones that had not even seceded yet and they refused. >> they didn't secede until
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lincoln started killing people. >> jon: he started killing people because the south -- why is the onus on lincoln? >> because he fired the shots. not the first shot. he tricked south carolina to firing the first shot. >> jon: so lincoln tricked south carolina your vision of the civil war is lincoln pulled a fast one on the south? [laughter] >> yes. and you believe that as well. >> jon: i do not believe that. [ laughter ] i do not even come close to believing that. [laughter] >> mwah. >> jon: judge napolitano's book theodore woodrow is on the bookshelves now. we'll be back. we'll test your knowledge. >> do i have to say? i know what is -- do i have to stay? i know what is coming. >> jon: no it's fun. >>
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. listen so we just discussed the history of slavery there with my friend judge andrew napolitano.
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i mean friend. i do love this man he's a warm hearted and good man. we're going to do it now on a game show we invented call the weakest lincoln. yuf met judge andrew napolitano. meet his opponent objectively america's greatest president. please welcome abraham lynchon. [cheers and applause] -- abraham lincoln. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> what is up, everybody? >> jon: we have an esteemed panel of jnls from the city university of new york distinguished professor jim oaks. [cheers and applause] from umass amherst menisha sinha and what is the college you are from? >> columbia university. >> jon: dewitt clinton professionor of history before herk phoner. we'll get to the first question.
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why did abraham lincoln start the civil war? yes, judge napolitano? >> because he wanted to preserve the union. because he needed the tariffs from the southern states because he resented the challenge to his authority. >> jon: abraham lincoln, yes. >> yeah, well they shot first and you don't mess with lincoln. all the vampires know when i'm talking about. [cheers and applause] >> jon: panel. professor oaks why did lincoln start the civil war? >> because they shot first and you don't mess with lincoln. >> jon: we touched on this earlier, too. this is an interesting question. if lincoln wanted to purchase and free every slave in the united states, how much would that have cost? how much? mr. president, let's go with lincoln. lincoln how much would it have cost? >> it would have cost $3 billion and keep in mind i only carry five dollar bills. [ laughter ] no answer?
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there were about four million slaves. >> four million slaves. >> jon: judge, do you have an answer. >> the numbers are equivocal because you are trying to talk about it in modern terms but in 1860 terms i'll agree with the number $3 billion less than half of what it cost to fight the civil war and rebuild the south. >> jon: professor what is the bill? >> $3 billion is correct but it should be noted that if you want to buy all the factories, railroads and banks in the country at that time it would have only cost you $2.5 billion. the slaves were by far the largest concentration of property in the country. they didn't have the money to buy up $3 billion worth of slaves and more to the point the south was not willing to sell their slaves. >> jon: it was economically viable for the south at that time. >> it was not only viable it was growing. there were more slaves in the united states in 1860 than ever before. the idea it was dying out is
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ridiculous. it was growing and live iting and expanding. [cheers and applause] >> wow. >> jon: when he says ridiculous what he means is good answer. [ laughter ] see me after class. question three: if the goal was to avoid devastating cons consequences how does slavery stack up to the civil war? lincoln -- >> 500,000 people let's see carry the four score and seven -- you know what i'm not exactly a numbers person. >> jon: i understand. judge? >> somewhere between 785,000 and 800,000 human beings died because of lynchon's war. it's all americans than all wars put together. >> jon: how much slaves? >> i don't know the answer on how many slaves. that was not in the answer of one of questions you gave me ahead of time. [laughter] >> jon: you were supposed to
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pretend were all smart, judge. we were not supposed to tell them we had the answers before hand. >> not the answers just the questions. >> jon: what is the historical fact? >> nearly 12 million africans were forcibly removed to the americas in the african slave trade. by the most conservative estimate of mortality rate 10 to 20% two to five million may have perished. >> talking about the during the civil war or slave trade. >> jon: we were doing the cost benefit analysis of civil war versus the damage of slave trade. >> it ended in 180840 years before the civil war. >> but it existed for four centuries before that. >> jon: and the slave trade while it ended officially they did that. england used to patrol the seas and they would capture 200,000 300,000 slaves every year. please tell me that is true. >> it is true. >> jon: even though they banned it people were using people as property and isn't
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that what the war was about? >> the president used forgive me, abe. >> that's fine. >> the president used several marshals to chase down slaves that escape add returned them to the south during the civil war. >> that's not true. >> that's not true. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, that's you will the time we have for the weakest lincoln. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪
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like billion this billionaire. >> people are not familiar with me because many of the -- >> you are the seventh richest ma >> stephen: tonight, a new trend hits college campuses, then immediately moves back home with its parents. then, what are today's employers looking for? a job. and my guest, ronan farrow, went from working for hillary clinton to hosting his own show on msnbcs, so he's still working for hillary clinton. ( cheers and applause ) th

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